Ok I admit I am stubborn... and sometimes to the point of no return. But I think as I am getting older I am mellowing out on most things:) Today though I had a conversation with a good friend that I have made since moving over here in the land of the Dutch and I really felt myself dig my heels on a certain issue. She was talking to me about doing something to make someone else feel better about themselves as well as my connection with them. I really just don't feel like it. I don't feel like that is my job. I believe that has to come from within yourself. Nothing outside of yourself can give you that internal peace or acceptance.. that must come from within.
Now ok for those of you that know me, know that I will go out of my way to help someone in anyway I can. I like to be supportive, helpful and yes sometimes just to cheer up a friend. I am a very giving person by nature. I enjoy making others happy and enjoy seeing them in that state. However over the years I have been trying to learn this balance of giving where it is appreciated and not just giving cause it makes the other person feel good or benefiting only the other person.Please don't mistake me, I give unconditionally as much as possible. I only give now in my life where I feel lead to do so though. Does that make me a bad person? I don't feel that way but the conversation I had today really made me second guess that completly. What I mean by that is depleting my energy to only give to others does no good at all to anyone. I use to think that was a selfish thing to say but not anymore. I think our time is very valuable and if you waste your time in something that doesn't feel right or that you know is not good for you.. than why do it?
I have spent years 'wasting time' cause I did not want to hurt someone else's feelings, or I felt like "I had to" do this or say that, or just because I couldn't say No! When I took a step back and realized that was not benefiting anyone really because I wasn't being genuine or authentic to my true self. I immediately started changing that behavior. It wasn't easy and has not been but every time I get the chance to practice that I do. Because I realized that if I deplete my energy I can't be doing what I need to be doing to be a positive contribution to this world.
Now here is where it gets sticky for me.. Am I being stubborn, selfish or ruthless? I know sometimes people mistake my kind demeanor and easy going nature to take advantage of.. well it has been that way in the past... not so much in the present time thank goodness! I would rather someone's feelings be a little hurt upfront than me lie to them by being in touch with them out of obligation or spending time with them cause I feel like " I have to" for their sake. I wonder am I that stubborn that I can no longer do the things that I just don't want to do or is it some sort of evolution for me in some way that I can now confidently say " No" when I mean just that?
I know there are exceptions of course in our day to day lives. I guess I am really talking more about relationships here.. all kinds from coworkers, to family, friends, lovers, etc... I am not talking about relationships with children.. that is TOTALLY different. I am talking about adult relationships here. Where do the boundaries need to be put? And when is it ok to just do what you want to do and not feel the imposition of what others think you " should be" doing?
In love and gratitude,
Asha
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