This year has been amazingly exciting for me in so many ways. I am living in a new country, making my way through Europe, speaking different language, eating different foods, meeting all sorts of people from across the globe, etc....What is there not to be grateful for? :)
I just got back from traveling across many countries and taking in so much beauty... I feel very fortunate in my life. I will of course share pictures in another entry.But this entry is just a bit more personal and is dedicated to someone who is no longer on this earth, may his soul rest in complete peace. All of this traveling around, spending time on trains, listening to music, reading and writing has peeled away more and more layers of myself to get to the core person within. I realize that this is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity to get to go through so many changes all at once... what a ride it is. So this past week I spent alot of time on a train riding through beautiful mountainous regions of Norway. The views were absolute breathtaking with the virgin snow on the ground, peace and tranquility dripping from the bare trees, the beautiful flowing fjords... I felt like I was just a bit closer to a heaven that I can imagine.
During these train rides there was much more than just the outer beauty passing me by. I started reflecting upon my life in a very different way. I usually just don't open up about personal things on my blog. I have been very careful to keep it personal but distant at the same time. But not this time...I really just feel the need to write about a particular person who was once a big part of my life, but he is no longer on this earth, may his soul rest in peace. This feels necessary to do because it is time for me to move on in my life in a big way.
As I was traveling I was listening to alot of different music and I came across this song I had never heard before that described how I am feeling now about this particular person. See my life changed drastically one more time when he left this earth at the young age of 37. He left me with so much love and hate in my heart and a whole lot of unanswered questions, that I have spent the last few years finding out the answers to. He bruised my ego in the worst way possible only for me to pick up the pieces by myself and try to make them fit again.... Well I did! And most of all I have found myself again, I have found it in my heart to love again, breath again and enjoy life once again. I know many people have told me that 4 years is more than enough time to just move on from someone, but the fact is after losing all that I have and those that I have cared so deeply for, it just has not been so easy to do so. I have had an internal struggle with this that few people will ever get the chance to see or hear from me. I have moved on in my life in so many ways except one important one. And now it is time to move on in that arena too.
As I write these words on this page, I feel nervous, vulnerable, and exposed on one hand and on the other I feel a sense of relief, peace and joy in my heart, like a warm blanket that has come over me to comfort me even in the worst of times. I have seen alot, learned alot, hurt alot, loved alot and you know what? There is plenty more of where that comes from. I am not done yet with my life. I deserve happiness, joy , laughter, support just as much as the next person. It is ok to move on and to stop punishing myself for things that have been out of my control... There I said it finally... "things that are out of my control". See I use to think I could control things, but in reality there is nothing to control at all. Life happens the way it is going to, it is in the way we respond to it and think about it that influences our experiences. We go after the things our heart desires either with all we have got or not at all. That has been my experience thus far. So many experiences and I still have love in my heart, hope in my heart and a sparkle in my eye because I believe there will always be a better day , a better experience, more love to give and receive,something more to contribute to this world. I guess I am optimistic and hopeful that things in this world are generally good and no matter what bad stuff you go through you just have to keep breathing and let the flow of life's river take you to where you need to be next. This is a big relief for me and it is time for me to completely let go and just flow now. I have really been able to put that into practice this year by freeing myself and traveling the world and seeing all there is in this moment. I am truly grateful for all of this and much more.
I would like to share the song that reminded me of this particular person who taught me so much in the 4 years we were together. I would like to dedicate this to LAB, may your soul rest in peace wherever you may be and please know that for all the tears I shed over you, with you and about you.. I see the silver lining now and thank you for all that you allowed me to learn about life, love and myself.
"I Survived You" by Natalia
I see the picture clearer now
and the fog has been lifted
The wall you tried to pull over
My eyes was clever
Yeah your gifted
But you forgot to dot some I's
And cross some T's along the way
I'm better now
Despite you baby
I'm stronger these days
Stronger
I survived the crash
Survived the burn
Survived the worst yeah baby but I've learned
Survived the lies
Survived the blues
It almost killed me but I survived the truth
And the best is when the smoke cleared through
I survived you
I can look in the mirror now
It's been a slow awakening
Blinded by a heart full of you
I couldn't help mistaking
But you could ever care for anyone
Anyone but yourself
But you would have to
Have a conscience baby
Good luck, I wish you well
Wish you well
I survived the crash
Survived the burn
Survived the worst yeah baby but I've learned
Survived the lies
Survived the blues
It almost killed me but I survived the truth
And the best is when the smoke cleared through
I survived you
This heart has been torn in two, cut and bruised
With too many bitter endings
I'll be damned if I have thoughts of you
Raining down on my new beginning (oh yeah)
I survived the lies
Survived the blues
It almost killed me but I survived the truth
And the best is when the smoke cleared through
I survived you
I survived you
You said that we were through
I didn't know what to do
I survived I survived you
baby
When you were gone, I just couldn't go on
I survived I survived you, ooh
I'm over you, I've found somebody new
I survived
In love and gratitude always
Till next time,
Asha
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